BBC 6 Music Podcasts.
6 Music.
This is a free download from the BBC.
Find out more at bbc.co.uk slash 6 Music.
And now, Adam and Joe.
Hello, this is Adam.
Hey, this is Joe.
Welcome to our podcast, The Best Bits.
And we say that, you know, relatively speaking, of our 6 Music show from this Saturday morning.
last Saturday morning.
But it's nice to have one in the background and it's a little enjoyable accompaniment to a three-hour chunk of your life that you will treasure for the rest of eternity.
How do you know?
Do you listen to our whole show?
Do you put the listen again and listen to yourself and chuckle along maybe when you've got guests around?
I haven't done it for our show, but I've done it for other shows.
Really?
So I know that it's an enjoyable thing to do.
What's this playing in the background, Adam?
It's my Saturday morning six music show, just tinkling along.
Sorry, can everyone just be quiet for a second?
This is the bit where me and Joe say something quite funny.
Sorry, Colin, sorry, I was just saying that this is quite a funny bit coming up, so if you could just shush for a little second, sorry.
Okay, here we go.
That's pretty funny stuff, wasn't it?
Okay, everyone carry on chatting.
So that's what you're saying you do?
That's what I do occasionally.
Other people should do it as well.
What?
Other people should do that as well.
No, but people have told me that they enjoy listening to the whole three hour thing, you know, and listen again.
Who?
People?
Which people?
Name them.
Well, do you just make up a name?
No, um Andy Andy Andy what?
Now you're asking me for a surname.
Yes Andy Wyatt and Wyatt He's
from Leeds.
I believe you.
Good.
Andy Wyatt from Leeds likes to listen to the whole, you know, the whole show again.
But if you're not Andy Wyatt from Leeds and you loathe three hour enjoyable background experiences, here are the filleted highlights.
The filio highlights.
hello and welcome to the big british castle we hope you're having lots of jolly fun please obey the rules when you're inside the castle or we'll jolly have to throw you jolly out upon your arse
Now last week, of course, we had Sir Roger Moore in the studio and I had a kind of a breakdown on air.
I was unable to speak and we were just discussing here that to the consternation of some listeners, my breakdown was snipped.
You know, I'm pleased about this.
It was snipped from the podcast.
So the interview as it appeared on the podcast was super smooth, unemotionally traumatized.
Yeah, that's not really true, is it?
It was just slightly more competent than it actually was on the air, when it actually sort of was sucked into negative space by a kind of mental implosion on my part.
And I was fine at the beginning of the interview, as I think I discussed at the end of the podcast.
Roger came into... Sir, Sir Roger.
It's happening again.
He came into the, you know, what would you call that room out there?
The anti-chamber?
The holding room?
The atrium?
The decompression chamber.
and we went out and talked to him and it was all fine.
I thought this is going to be fine, but then it was only when he came and sat next to me and then turned and looked at me.
And then said your name.
And that was it, wasn't it?
He said, well, Joe, Joe.
That was it.
It was too much.
I collapsed and folded.
Now, I was embarrassed, and I thought, you know, I'm a hardy perennial, a seasoned professional.
I can't.
Plus, you have met a lot of famous people.
Like, in your LA jaunts, you bump into some A-listers out there.
Sure, sure.
But not usually on live radio.
Right, right.
And not someone like the Dodger.
It made me realize how key the Dodger is to my Brain to the evolution of my mind.
It's somewhere deep inside.
Yeah balls.
You are I just couldn't handle a seven but luckily my lady partner friend Who I live with said she thought it was sweet.
Yeah, I think that was no one no one No one would was cursing you.
I was professionally.
I felt professionally vilified self vilified, right?
Can you vilify yourself?
Oh, very much so.
Yeah, well, I've done it.
I make a habit of it.
Well, you were, you know, quite honest in saying that you were a tiny bit... I mean, you doved in, doved in there brilliantly to... David.
You Davided in to rescue me.
And you had a little bit of a, you know, a little bit of a nerviness there, mate, as well, didn't you?
Absolutely.
Well, it was partly inspired by the fact... I was like, oh, just stop talking.
I thought he was going to do talking for a little bit.
You're not supposed to do that on the radio, are you?
Dead air.
But sometimes, yeah, but sometimes, every now and then, used with modestly, a modicum of car crash, or at least cars just clipping each other at high speed on the motorway, can keep a show on its toes.
Radio prank.
Can't it?
Maybe that should be the name of this show.
So the conclusion of this segment is, well done me.
Well done you, and maybe... Well, what a really good interview, because it wasn't boring, it was gripping, possibly a bit cringey, but cringey is very fashionable.
Look at Ricky Gervais, John Cleese in Fawlty Towers.
I'm just big on the cringe, I love the cringe, I love social embarrassment.
I love it when people find things uncomfortable, like in the office.
That's the fashionable thing to say, isn't it?
So I'm just part of that fashion.
We might include that drying moment on the podcast as a little hidden track this week.
I might have to listen to it first.
See how painful it is.
Mind the Gap.
And she smelt strongly of, I think she was wearing perfume, but the perfume smelt to me of sheep dip.
Have you ever smelt sheep dip before?
It's a curiously sweet smell.
I don't know if they still use the same brand of sheep dip that I remember from when I used to live in Wales.
When you used to be dipped, Huntry.
Yeah, when they used to dip me.
Shaun.
But she smelt very much of sheep dip.
And I was really tempted to ask her what the perfume was, so I would be able to say... Probably Kerry Katona's new one.
I hear it's out in a couple of days.
Maybe she had a preview squirt.
You can't... That's true, yeah, that would be what Katona's... Easy, she's ill.
That's true.
She's a young woman, she needs our sympathy and support, not our derision.
but no sheep dip it was sheep dip and I really wanted to ask her but I thought if I ask her what the perfume is I'm gonna get stuck in a weird little conversation she's gonna think I'm coming on to her she'll think you're hitting on her yeah whereas actually what I want to communicate is your perfume is revolting and it's choking up my nasal passages and I want to know exactly what it is so I can avoid it for the rest of my life but it is it's it's it's no good what's the worst smell you can think of Joe?
Oh, uh, stink bombs?
I don't know.
What smell?
Oh, I really object to yeast.
Yeast?
Yeah, around a brewery.
Right.
There's a brewery in Wandsworth, and the whole area, it's got a weird stench.
It disagrees with me.
I know what you mean.
Not beer itself, but the smell of a brewery, the intense smell of yeast.
Yeast is nasty, I mean, for lots of reasons.
There's something nasty about yeast.
A field of rape is not an enjoyable smell.
That yellow, stinky field that you go past every now and again.
I mean, that's no fun.
Also, the worst of them all, though, is dog poo, isn't it?
Yes, well, God made it that way, didn't he?
To avoid.
Yeah, so you have to pick it up and pop it in the bin.
Absolutely, unless you're a toddler.
A friend of mine, um, her toddler picked up a tofu and popped it in his mouth.
No!
Yes.
Was it a dried one?
No?
Oh dear.
Had the consistency of chocolate mousse.
That's certainly what was going through the toddler's brain.
I found some chocolate mousse.
I found it on the wheel of a bicycle.
And he popped it in his gob.
And she was absolutely appalled, as you would be, but they're toddlers, they love doing that kind of thing, you know, and they're just experimenting with the world.
She raced, they were in the park, and she raced to the public toilets there and kind of rinsed his mouth out with water from the taps that said, do not drink!
But she thought, well, this is the lesser of two evils, surely.
Gotta rinse the chocolate mousse out of the little chap's mouth.
I mean, that's no good, is it?
How did the chap respond?
Was he chomping away?
He was up for it.
Really?
Yeah, he was going back for more.
There is a gap in the market there.
If we put it in a pot, give it a fun name, invent some characters to promote it, you could call it Plops.
Chuck Pops.
The kids would love it.
Check it out.
Check it out.
Yes, it's Song Wars time, listeners.
A brand new Song Wars.
And this week's theme is spookiness, scariness, sort of Halloween-based.
Halloween coming up this Friday, so we'll be playing the winning song the day after Halloween, coating the entire week with a thick layer of evil.
Is the day after Halloween just hallow?
Yes.
OK.
But you know, it's not like, you know, you got Christmas Eve and then you got Christmas Day, right?
So Halloween is the evening of the Hallows?
Yeah.
Halloween is just menacing.
Then on the following day, you do the full on killing.
Do you know what the origin of Halloween is?
It's not right to say that.
No, it's not.
I'm ignoring it.
I was moving on.
In a fictional universe.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, what's the question?
What is the point of Halloween?
It's a celebration.
It's a pagan celebration of evil.
And kill him.
I'm really glad I asked.
No, yeah, that's the answer.
No, yeah.
No, yeah.
So how did you get on with your song, man?
I got on... Well, I don't know.
I'm not going to say much about it.
It's certainly odd.
I think it's lyrically quite tricky to hear, but then ghosts are quite hard to understand sometimes.
Anyone who's watched Most Haunted or anything will know how tricky the supernatural can be.
It's very hard to control.
It's very hard to predict when supernatural things will happen.
I'm talking about my song.
I'm making excuses for it.
In my song, some of it's actually sung by a ghost, is what I'm saying.
You should have.
What I did right, because my song was just ludicrous, and it is hard to hear what the lyrics are, so I have got the lyrics on the Six Music website.
Have you?
Yeah.
I sorted it out.
I'm not, I'm not kowtowing to my audience in that way.
I'm not pandering to them.
So listeners, if you want to check the lyrics of my track when you hear it, you can go to the Six Music website and click on the Adam and Joe bit and they should be there.
But let's toss a coin and find out who's going to go first.
What are you calling then?
Oh, you just looked at it for me.
Yeah, I'm just, I'm just seeing what the coin is in the habit of doing.
Right, it's mainly, no.
I'm just seeing how it's balanced.
Right, how's it going so far?
Tossing it a few times to warm it up.
Darren Brown.
It's mainly heads.
Mainly heads, is it?
So, do you want to go...?
I don't really know.
Let's set... I'm going to go tails, because I'm different.
Tails to go first.
If it's tails, I go first.
It's tails.
Okay, then.
I go first.
Here's my song.
It's called Hello, Mr. Ghost, and I really apologise.
This song is designed to be heard by
If you hear a ghost then don't be scared, scared.
Live like Poltergeist, don't draw dead friends at all.
I've been alive since 1963, but I'm still in disgrace.
Can anybody help arouse me?
While we're talking Mr Gust, I'd like to ask a favour I don't suppose there's any chance that you'd possess my neighbour?
He plays his stereo too loud, I'd exercise him later I'm not qualified for that, but if you don't mind waiting, just hold the line for Rachel
It's a powerful song and it will actually summon ghosts if you play it late at night or at the right time.
Have you got a vocoder there or something?
No, it's just the mouse voice function on Garroth Band.
Nicely used.
Thanks.
And a bit of helium as well.
Good.
And where are you getting your spooky, wobbly noise?
Chaos-O-Lator, mate.
Chaos-O-Lator.
The Chaos-O-Lator.
Best £100 I ever spent, mate.
Cornish's secret weapon.
That's brilliant.
Dust off the Chaos-O-Lator.
Anyway, so that's song number one, Joe's song, Hello Mr. Ghost.
We continue our spooky song wars with song number two.
Adam, tell us a little bit about it, please.
Well, I started off trying to write a Euro house song.
Who wouldn't?
I mean, it's the obvious way to go.
Well, I was thinking of like early Prodigy, you know?
Of course.
Like really fast.
Yeah.
I'm scared.
I'm so scared.
It was all like that, right?
And then it just fell apart.
For a whole day I was digging it and playing all the riffs and I was really getting into it.
I'm thinking, this is amazing.
I'm the king.
And then I woke up the next day and listened to it.
It was a disgrace.
Have you ever had that?
Yes.
It's weird.
Some days you wake up and you look at things afresh and you think, hey, that's not half bad.
I have that attitude to just life in general.
This is brilliant.
Oh, this is awful.
Anyway, it was a load of old bullos, so I had to pop it in the bin, but what I've come up with no
necessarily better because I started it had to restart yesterday afternoon didn't finish until 1.30 in the morning it's exhausting just listening to the process exactly anyway this is this is a jazzy song and it's written from the point of view of a kind of you know serial killer man from
from Silence of the Lambs type thing.
It's sounding very promising.
Well, you remember that we did a thing on our show years ago about Nutty Rooms, right?
Serial killer Nutty Rooms.
In films like Silence of the Lambs and Copycat was another one.
They've always got their little demented headquarters.
The serial killer's lair and it's always like got weird stuff on the walls and things in jars.
You've recycled all that stuff.
I've recycled it.
If you want to check out the lyrics, as I say, they might be a little hard to decipher.
They should be on the Six Music website.
You're on iPlayer though, you loon.
Go to their website.
The Six Music website.
And this is called Nutty Room.
Nutty, I am a nutty man, I'm sitting in my nutty room, never cutting.
look at the jars look at the jars look at the things inside the jars i put some fingers there's some hair and several wikis look at the walls look at the walls totally covered in crazy
And from time to time I add a couple of stinkies I love the smell and the gloom of my crazy nutty womb Come on over for some nibbles and some drinkies It's so wonderful to meet you when you come Welcome to my nutty lair Careful of the pit, mind the pile of s**t Have a seat on the bed of human hair I hope you like injections and butterfly collections And the work of the performer Leo Sayre
Lazy, have you ever seen a person who was so completely nuts?
Lazy, oh no, and always working, making something out of other people's guts.
Patrick Swayze.
Naughty, I am a naughty man, I'm sitting in my naughty room And I'm gutting some bits of human skin to make it to a big cocoon It's a noob for the cops and I'm pulling out the stops Because I am a complicated loo
That's just a song about you at home in your so-called studio.
The thought did occur to me.
It's not spooky in any way.
It's just autobiographical.
Yeah, but that's spooky, man.
Hi there, this is the music artist Beck, Beck Hanson, and you're listening to the Adam and Joe podcast.
I just did a new Beck song about Adam and Joe, so here it is.
Two, three, four.
Adam and Joe with the razor blade overcoat sitting on a fruit machine eating dirty pickles with their palms.
Did you like it?
I hope so.
Thank you.
This is Beck.
Now back to the Adam and Jo podcast.
Bye.
If Barack Obama wins, the world will be saved from the precipice of doom.
If he loses, we will be plunged into a Stygian nightmare of apocalyptic doom.
It's as simple as that.
The world has spiralled into a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy of doom.
Now this is just your opinion, isn't it?
No, no, this is actually true.
That's the thing, that's the twist.
But that's what it feels like, don't you think?
It does a little bit.
It feels like the world needs just a, it needs like a sort of a boost, some sort of a warm slimming drink.
It'll give it the lift it needs.
Barack Obama.
Slim fast.
A slim fast, yeah, pick me up.
Yeah, other slimming drugs are available.
But I mean, he's got his work cut out for him and all, you know, Occam's razor, you know, all things being equal, the most boring outcome is the likeliest.
This time in a year, if he gets in, everything's the same.
Inevitably, yeah, whoever wins will be taken into a secret office where he'll meet with an E.T., Rupert Murdoch, some Rosicrucians, the head of the Illuminati, the Pope, and members of the royal family in their lizard form, and they'll be told the basic truths that are kept from the public.
It's just all about selling weapons and provoking wars to keep economies going, and I'm sorry there's not much that can be done about it.
And come to the orgy on Saturday.
You can now come to the Eyes Wide Shut lizard orgy.
So it's not all bad, though.
No, there we go.
Bit of politics here on the show.
Fun bit of politics there.
I'm excited about the orgy.
Well, you have to become evil to join in.
Text the nation.
Text, text, text.
Text the nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text the nation.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter.
Text!
Text the nation.
It's the nation's favourite feature.
It's the part of the show where we talk about a thing and then we ask you to contribute to some kind of ramble thereon.
Is that fair?
Yeah, that's fair.
Fair enough, mate.
Now, Joe, are you aware of Go Go Crazy Bones?
Well, this is a playground craze, right?
For kids.
It's sweeping the playgrounds.
Yeah, and is it a little bit like Jacks or that game with coins that kids play where you flick coins against a wall and if they land on each other you win the coin?
Same sort of principle.
It's, let me quote from the Wikipedia,
Uh, Go-Go's are small figurines that became a popular fad during the 1990s and 2000s, the noughties.
Go-Go's were inspired by a game played in ancient Greece called Astragals, where children played with sheep's knuckle bones.
Crazy Bones is a modern version of this game, played with characters molded from plastic.
There's hundreds of these things, right?
They're little individual characters and because of the sort of collectability element, you know, children really like collecting things.
Especially little boys, right?
They absolutely adore collecting things and they will go for anything, whether it's conkers or bits of rubbish.
I mean, this is the thing, you know, it doesn't take much to launch a craze is what I'm saying and I'm wondering if the listeners can help us
to spot the next craze, because there's a lot of money to be made.
Are you kidding craze?
Because all they've done is taken, as you say, an ancient game that can be played with natural, you know, materials that don't cost anything, and they've branded them.
Yeah.
They've put little characters onto them.
Basically, the way you play the game, if you want to actually play the game,
is you throw your Go-Go's, the little things on the table, the player receives a score depending on which way the Go-Go lands and is standing on the table, right?
So you get nil points if it's facing down, if it's on its back, it's facing up, you get one point, etc.
What are you asking people here?
I'm asking listeners to come up with their ideas for a similar object-based game that can be a collectible craze for children across the country.
And we can make millions of pounds and retire.
Here's a few ideas that I've come up with.
Pebbles, right?
Little pebbles, and they've got little eyes stuck on them.
I mean, this is very similar, obviously, to the crazy bones.
They've got little eyes painted on.
Perhaps they look like rock stars, right?
Yes.
So you could call them rock stars.
I like it.
And I'm trying to give them cooler names, because half the battle, right, is to think of cool names for these very boring little objects.
So I'm thinking peb lords.
I like peb lords a lot, it gives them an authority.
Peb lords?
Yeah, it gives them a power, they demand to be purchased.
And they're just little stones, right?
You get little bags of them and they've just got eyes on them.
I don't think they're just little stones.
Peb lords.
I think they're lords.
They're peb lords, or super pebs.
I like both.
Okay.
What about this?
Sand warriors.
That's good.
Grains of sand.
They're little.
That's a bit too small.
They could get easily lost.
Come on.
Great.
They're $5.99 each.
Grains of sand.
And if you look at them through a specially supplied microscope, you can see they're like robots again.
That's too small, they would get too easily lost.
Because at the moment, crazy bones have been banned in a lot of schools because of the arguments that ensue.
That's the sign of a good craze.
If it's banned in schools, you're there, you've won.
Exactly.
So, mecha sticks.
But look, mecha sticks, right?
Here's the thing, they come with the lolly, and the lolly is called lollibots.
Of course it is.
It's exciting, it's light.
Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, you know, you don't know which one you need to complete the set.
You're going through the lollibots and thinking... Oh, you have to eat the lolly to reveal the bot.
Exactly.
I hope I get... I hope I get... John Bot!
I haven't thought too hard about it.
No, John Bot's good.
Is it?
Yeah, it's a good start.
I hope I get John Bot!
Oh no!
It's Robbie again!
I've got Robbie!
I wanted Johnbot!
What sort of a child is this?
He's a mutant one.
It's the one from the end of Don't Look Now.
He's a child that's eaten too many lollibots.
Right.
That was a great chat Here comes another Adam and Jo are rocking the podcast now
Oh, Martin, excuse me.
What's happening to the satellite TV channels?
A lot of them are being renamed.
Have you noticed that?
Yeah, well, Richard and Judy are now on what claims to be a brand new channel, which is called... It's called Watch.
Watch.
And it used to be Living, though, am I right?
Correct.
So they've spent a lot of money, they've obviously focus-grouped it and stuff, and they've rebranded it as Watch.
There's another channel that used to be called UK Gold or something.
and it now just calls itself G.O.L.D.
but it's now an acronym.
G.O.L.D., right.
Go on, laugh daily.
Or so it says on the bus stop near my tube.
Yeah, I think they've got variations on what that acronym could stand for.
Right, really.
It's quite a good channel, it's got nothing but classic comedy repeated all day, with the proviso that all satellite channels are unwatchable because of the adverts.
That having said, if you can manage to skip the adverts, the programs on GOLD are quite good.
But Dave seemed to be the first time they decided we're going to throw off the bonds of conventiality with TV station names and just have any kind of word that might get people interested in us.
But I was wondering how you would pep up the other channels with new names.
BBC3, that now sounds quite old school, doesn't it?
Well they went through many, many, I mean they started off as Choice, UK Play at one point they were.
At one point they were called Snot with four exclamation marks.
Rubbles I think they were at one stage.
Boobs with a Z. And apparently BBC Three are going to turn, they're going to change their name to F Off exclamation mark.
Because that's just what the kids like.
And that's what they say to everybody after they've delivered a pilot or one series.
Because these days in youth culture, ideas move so quickly that you can't have more than one series of anything.
That's true, isn't it?
Put it on, try it out, cancel it, next, next.
BBC Four, also a very conventional old school name for a channel, don't you think?
They've never had any kind of rebranding there, have they?
I think they should be called De La Ponce.
And it's actually spelled P-E-N-S-E, as in French for think, of the thought kind of thing.
I know that's not exactly right, but from who cares?
Of thought, yeah.
But luckily, it sounds like the word ponce.
Yeah.
So, de la ponce.
Avez-vous vu le programme sur de la ponce?
Ah, vous êtes du ponce, oui?
Oui, je suis de la ponce.
There is a channel that you might like to see far ponces.
BBC ponce.
I don't like to do down BBC4 though, it's a cheap low blow and it's actually the best channel there is.
Oh man, I was only... Of course, everyone knows it's the best channel.
It's the best channel there is.
Yeah, you've got your best docs on there, the best music, everything.
Yeah, without doubt.
But there you go, just a couple of ideas because I think it's the way forward, isn't it?
You don't want numbers and corporate branding on channel names anymore.
You want a buzzy word that makes you excited.
Well, oi is staring someone in the face.
Really?
What would that be?
We're just a couple of guys talking to each other
We've been friends since we were young I am like your brother And you are like my sister A shy and scaredy girl Pale and thin and trembling And frightened of the world But don't worry little sister I'll take care of you I will laugh at your jokes
I'll help you to the loo.
We'll get together once a week and broadcast our conversations.
And it will be quite similar to other radio stations but slightly sloppier.
It's Text the Nation time, and this week's proposition is invent new collectible craze things for kids.
Inspired by the craze for Go-Go's crazy bones.
Yeah, and we've been flooded with ideas.
Some of them are very strong.
Again, I think this is going to make us some money.
I hope so.
So I'm going to pitch these to you, Dr. Buckles, and you've got to tell me whether you're going to go with these, all right?
You run some kind of a company, a kids' toy company?
Yeah, Rip-Off Kids.
Kids' Rip-Off.
We haven't finished it.
It's finalised the name.
Kid Rips.
So here's the first idea.
This comes from Scott from Norfolk.
He says, what about Stinks and Diseases, in which children exchange both stinks and diseases?
I'm imagining some brightly coloured Petri dishes, a different type of disease mould in each one.
They've maybe got crazy faces on them.
and you swap them and rub them in your eye or something to get a disease.
It's not going to be popular with parents, is it?
Well, it happens already.
I mean, that's... Yeah, but why not harness it and sell it?
It happens, but no one's making any money from it.
The toy companies certainly aren't.
The medicine companies maybe are with their fun medicines.
But can't the toy companies have a slice of that pie?
That's a nice idea.
I just...
We move on when we hear that noise usually.
Here's another very good one.
I like this one from Danny in Bedford.
He says, Baggle.
Kids collect plastic bags and compete on the basis of tensile strength.
That's a good idea.
So they have a little sort of a tug of war with the bag.
and if it snaps and maybe your opponent hits their head and they're hurt badly, you've won!
The problem with Baggle though is it's not very eco-friendly because you would have to produce a new set of plastic bags in order to market them yourself.
Well no children's toys are eco-friendly are they?
Children are basically destroying the planet with their nappies and their toys.
It's mainly their fault, yeah, that's true.
But Baggle, I would say, is on the more overt end of that.
You're showing a surprising amount of heart for the company, for the head of a toy company.
For Kidrips.
For Kidrips.
Kidrips doesn't usually worry about the environment.
No, I think it's a great idea.
Exactly.
Marketing.
Let's get into production.
What's it called again?
Baggle.
Baggle.
Yeah.
I like it.
It's really good.
Here's another one from Paul in Broccoli.
How about automatons?
Oh, I like it.
Collectible characters drawn on leaves.
Five pounds for a pack of four.
But get this, the rarest characters can't be bought, but are hidden on a few trees across the country.
That is brilliant, because lots of kids would think they'd seen one high up a tree.
They'd fall and hurt themselves.
It would be all over the tabs.
Priceless publicity.
Who cares if a couple of kids have a couple of broken bones?
If it means that rip-off kids make a bit more, kid rips, makes a bit more money.
That's true, yeah, we could put them in really high trees, couldn't we?
Hard-to-climb trees as well.
But the only problem with that is that it's too seasonal.
What happens at the end of autumn when they all fall down, they become readily available to absolutely anybody.
It's not so good for kid rips.
Yeah, what?
Yeah, what?
This is Adam and Joe on 6Music.
Just coming up to the top of the hour gives us a couple of minutes to talk about the following Adam Go.
Rats.
Rats?
How much do you know about rats?
I know you've had problems with rats.
You've told a very stirring story before about finding a rubbish bag in your house full of rats and actually teaming with wriggling rats.
A while ago when I had a flat in North London and it was like a basement flat and came down after a couple of weeks away after Christmas one time and the bag was bulging with rats.
It was alive with rats.
It was like a big rat bag.
And then later on that night when I was on the lavvy reading my music magazine or whatever it was... Lovely thought.
And a rat emerged from behind the cistern and ran out over my foot!
while I was sat there, you know, it was in the middle of the night, I had gone in a semi-conscious state to the lavvy and you're half awake or half asleep or whatever and the rat ran out the door.
But this is the old rat story.
This is the old rat story.
What about the new rat story?
I found out some new rat facts the other day, right, this is a week or two ago even in the paper someone alerted this to me.
Britain's rat population is growing at a startling rate thanks to the warmer climate, thanks Al Gore, and because of increasingly slovenly refuse habits, you know, less rubbish collection, all that.
Slovenly.
Slovenly.
Check out these rat facts, right?
Rats can gnaw through steel and metal and are incapable of vomiting.
They will eat anything and they... Really?
Yeah.
They're happy to eat... They can't vomit?
No vomit.
There's no vomiting.
They'd be great drinking buddies.
You know, they go out and they get completely hammered.
This is... I'm sure that... I wouldn't put it past the rats.
Right.
They go out and they're binge drinking and there's no vomiting.
Rats.
They have sex roughly 20 times a day.
Really?
20 times a day.
The male rat sometimes mates until the partner dies of exhaustion.
They have such a good time.
I mean, these are party animals, aren't they?
They're drinking without vomiting, they're shagging themselves literally to death.
A single pair of rats can produce 15,000 offspring a year.
Nearly as many as you.
I mean, that's a lot, isn't it?
That's even more than me.
15,000 from a single pair of rats.
7% of house fires in Britain are caused by rats.
They're the perfect organism.
They are the only animal that the SAS are banned from eating.
Right.
Because they love plague.
They always hang out here.
They love a little bit of plague.
And they're not bothered by it.
They're not going to vomit.
Oh, I've eaten some plague.
Oh, I've had a little bit of plague with me cables.
Is that a problem, do you think, Martin?
No, don't worry about it.
You'll be fine.
That's how they talk.
It's not like in Ratatouille, you know.
It's grotesque.
Also, how about this?
Are you enjoying these rat facts?
Yes, I'm loving them.
Did you know that a collective noun for the rats is a mischief of rats?
A mischief of rats.
Can you look a bit more interested in the rat facts?
I thought that was interesting.
It's interesting.
OK, only two more rat facts, right?
And then it's the top of the hour, and we can have the top of our joke.
All right.
That's all you're worried about, isn't it?
I just don't like facts.
What's wrong with facts?
They tire me.
I don't want to know facts.
I want to know lies, but keep going anyway.
Here we go.
You can make up some lies.
Did you know?
It's just the fact that you've got them off the internet.
You always just bring me down whenever I get facts.
It's from the internet.
It's not from the internet.
It was from a newspaper.
And I wrote it down.
I take it back.
Thank you.
I mean, I found the article on the internet.
Just get the facts over with.
Did you know that rats, they can collapse their skeletons and crawl through holes as narrow as three-quarters of an inch.
Like the man in the X-Files.
Tombs.
Exactly, like tombs.
You see, now you're interested.
Well, mice can do that as well.
Everyone, cats can do that.
Oh, everyone can collapse their skeletons.
Oh, what's the big deal?
My skeleton's collapsing now just listening to you waffle on.
Okay, last rat fact.
Did you know
Rats are cannibals.
And when one feeds on another... You like cannibals, right?
And zombies?
I bear incredible.
Rats are cannibals.
They feed on one another.
And when the rat feeds on another rat, it opens up the head and it starts with the brain.
Right.
That is the end of Rat Facts.
God for that.
So there you go listeners.
Did you enjoy the Fileo highlights?
Thank you very much Adam.
God what are you doing here?
I'm your listener.
Take your Filet-O-Highlights and get out.
So you picked your Filet-O-Highlights out of the bin, didn't you?
Well, yeah.
Yes, I got it out of the bin.
I think it's food.
Off you go.
What were you going to say?
I was going to say that maybe now is the time to play The Roger Moore Problem.
Right.
Roger Moore's new film, The Roger Moore Problem.
Starring me because I'm so devoted to Roger.
He's so important to me that when I tried to interview him, I had a sort of mental breakdown.
Can we stick it in now or is it going to be at the end of the podcast?
Yes, some people noticed that in last week's podcast where you heard highlights from our Roger Moore interview, we did actually include the moment where Joe completely dried on air, which I don't think has ever happened before since we've been doing the radio show.
It was quite a spectacular moment.
I hear it was sweet and very very good.
I mean you might not even be able to detect What do you think James is it today?
Yeah?
As I remember it I just start four questions and say about three words of four questions and then just stop and then maybe say I
Adam, do I?
Is that what happens?
Well, I just remember your gesture when you stopped talking, you looked at me with your eyes very wide open and started nodding at me like, no, please help.
So anyway, here as this week's podcast hidden track is that moment.
Thanks for listening and we'll be with you again next week.
Take care.
Bye.
Bye.
You didn't stop loving them though, did you?
Yeah, no, absolutely.
Yes, you did when you met Robin Williams.
Yes.
I fell in love with him instead.
No, they, er, you know, a lot of people, um, are kind of, er, you know, have lost track of the Bonds because, um, they... Joe's got overwhelmed by... I've got overwhelmed.
He's got all starstruck.
He's got all starstruck.
Sorry.
Um, yeah, no, no, no, I think what Joe was saying is very nervous, is because, um...
No, they, uh, you know, a lot of people, um, are kind of, uh, you know, have lost track of the bonds because, um, they... Joe's got overwhelmed by... He's got all starstruck.
He's got all starstruck.
Sorry.
Um, yeah, no, no.
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